ReviewsWe like movies, we like music and we love karting products. But like most people, we hate reading reviews that are either written by some pompous ass trying to sound intelligent or by someone who got a freebie in exchange for some positive press. We just cut to the chase and tell you if something's good, bad or smells of dead varmint. Don't forget to read the primer for our scientifically derived and very complex movie rating system!
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Written by Bonnier Moulton
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Tuesday, 04 November 2008 16:00 |
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 Pretty much the worst movie ever. Okay, that might be a mild overstatement, but just barely. This movie is bad. It's really, really bad. If you read this review and watch it anyway, you deserve exactly what you get. And I'll tell you what you'll get. Two hours of your life wasted on a horrible movie. Two hours you could've spent mashing your ass cheeks up against a cactus with really long thorns or two hours spent idly poking safety wire into the ends of your fingers. Either of those would be preferable to watching this movie.
The sad thing is I love Indiana Jones. Raiders of the Lost Arc is a man movie staple. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, well, it kind of sucked, but at least it had Short Round and plenty of gratuitous shots of Kate Capshaw's rather cool boobs. The Last Crusade was a decent watch and Sean Connery is a stud. But this one. Oh, lord.
For starters, the story is just stupid. Not only does it not make sense...
You know what? I can't write anything else about this movie. Trying to communicate the level of suckitude is making my head hurt. I rented it for $1.00 out of a RedBox machine and I'm kicking myself for the wasted money. Spielberg and George Lucas should be ashamed of themselves. Deeply, deeply ashamed. This movie richly deserves each and every one of the four turds I'm awarding it.
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Written by Bonnier Moulton
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Monday, 20 October 2008 16:00 |
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 Let me start off by saying that Idiocracy is one of my favorite movies. In fact I like this movie so much I named one of my columns after it. At first glance, or first watch, it may come across as purely stupid humor, which to some degree it is. But if you stop to really think about it, you might find as I did, that it's actually a very scary movie.
It's not scary like The Exorcist or The Grudge, it's scary because for a slightly cynical person like myself, the premise appears to be all too plausible. Idiocracy comes from the fertile mind of Mike Judge who brought us Beavis and Butthead, King of the Hill and Office Space. The story is ostensibly about a not particularly bright guy named Joe Bowers (Luke Wilson) who is put into suspended animation as part of army experiment and wakes up 500 years later to find that he is now the smartest person on Earth. What Idiocracy really is though, is a commentary on the dumbing-down of the human race because we've essentially negated natural selection. It doesn't take a lot of imagination or even cynicism to see how this premise could actually be true. And that's scary. All that aside, Idiocracy is funny as hell. If you don't laugh out loud when you see the Dildozer then I don't know what to tell you. This is a movie that not many people have seen, but it's definitely worth a rental. It's also pretty much date-safe. Idiocracy definitely rates five teletubbies in my book.
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Written by Bonnier Moulton
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Tuesday, 23 September 2008 16:00 |
 "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next." If you're a guy, there are certain movies that you must see to maintain your membership in that glorious club known as mandom. Gladiator is without a doubt near the top of that holy list. In fact, if you're a guy and you haven't seen Gladiator, you are running the risk of having your penis confiscated for non-manly behavior detrimental to mandom. I'm not going to bore you with the entire story line, suffice it to say that Gladiator has a great plot, tons of kick ass action, one really hot babe (Lucilla played by Connie Nielsen), one really hateable villain (Commodus played by Joaquin Phoenix) an uber bad-ass hero (Maximus played by Russell Crowe) and some of the most memorable lines in man movie history. There's a reason Gladiator took home the Oscar for Best Picture in 2001. It's really good. BUT be forewarned... For some reason, my experience has been that many people of the female gender don't particularly care for this movie. Some do, some don't. You need to be reasonably careful when choosing who to view this masterpiece with or you may find yourself um, going solo... later that night.
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Written by Bonnier Moulton
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Monday, 04 August 2008 16:00 |
 I had pretty high hopes for this movie. As a kid, I was a huge Hulk fan with a substantial collection of well worn comics. I was always pissed when some other superperson appeared to be even close to as badass as the hulk. Past movies and television shows have been a joke, but this one looked like the real deal. It's got an excellent cast with Ed Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt and Tim Roth. Ed Norton is one of my favorite actors, Liv Tyler is a hottie and Bill Hurt and Tim Roth are both very good as well. So the other night I grabbed it out of the Redbox machine, fired up the plasma, cranked up the surround sound and prepared to be impressed. Only I wasn't. First off, this wasn't the Ed Norton who was so stellar in American History X and Fight Club. His heart didn't really seem to be into it. But more than that, it was just a bit boring. Sure, the special effects were stellar, but the story just wasn't all that. Plus there were things that were just a bit too unbelievable even for a comic book movie. For instance, how the hell did Bruce Banner manage to walk from Guatemala to the U.S.? Overall, there's probably enough entertainment value here to warrant dropping a buck into a Redbox machine, but I wouldn't want to plan an evening around a viewing of The Incredible Hulk. It looks like Marvel is preparing to make a number of movies based on their comics and I'm hoping they do a better job with those than they did with this one. Sadly, The Incredible Hulk only warrants two and a half big ass trucks.
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Written by Bonnier Moulton
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Monday, 28 July 2008 16:00 |
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 Oh god. Ohmygod. Shit. Okay, I'll admit it. I saw this movie. It wasn't my choice though. I swear. Please believe me!
There's no way to be tricked on this one. If you don't realize beforehand that this is a chick flick, the only explanation is that at some point in your life you've been lobotomized. There's just no way Sex and the City can sneak up on you. My wife wanted to see it so I ponied up the $4.99 on Pay Per View and sat down with a very stout rum and coke. There's nothing surprising or innovative here. If you ever watched even one epidode on HBO, then you pretty much know the story. Four NYC women who pretty much live their lives in a manner that is as self-centered, self-absorbed as the worst example of male piggishness. Carrie is a neurotic, annoying drama queen. Miranda is a career obsessed bitch. Samantha is basically a guy and Charlotte is an old school, stereotypical 50's style housewife. The entire movie is based around Carrie's wedding with Mr. Big. She (unsurprisingly) makes it all about her and then when Big gets a case of cold feet we''re treated to 70 minutes of Carrie wallowing in self-pity as she tries to put her shattered life back together. Then, everyone makes up and lives happily ever after. Wow. Really shocking. The only saving grace is when Charlotte poops her pants after drinking some water in Mexico. Poo humor always gets me, so I'll relent and give Sex and the City a rating of 3 pink panties. (Seriously though, don't watch this movie unless you really have to.)
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